Reflecting...

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    Last night, I was reading a "neighboring" blog. The post was by a mother who is torn between needing/wanting to work and the guilt associated with leaving her child in the care of someone else each day. This really took me back over 21 years to when Renni was just a baby...

    I was only 4 months into my 16th year on this planet when Renni was born. She weighed 5lbs. 11oz. and was born right on her due date. Getting pregnant at 15 was no accident but I was really talked into it by my boyfriend, Renni's father. I had a horrible home life and so did he. Somehow, we believed that if we started our own family, life would magically become normal for us. That was something I desperately wanted, a normal life.

    Things just didn't work out as planned... I lived with my mother. No way was she letting me get married. Not out of concern for me or the baby, but because she would lose my part of the Social Security benefits that she had started receiving when my father passed away 9 years earlier. Plus, she needed a live-in babysitter for my younger brother.

     I never had been a partying sort of teenager. The transition from child to mother came pretty easy for me. Not so for Renni's father. Once he realized that this wasn't a game, he totally flaked and was out partying it up while I got larger and larger. He also became very abusive. Between his beatings and Mama's cussings, it's a miracle that I didn't have a miscarriage. After Renni was born, he seemed to straighten out and I convinced my mother that my part of the SS check would just be tacked right back onto my brother's part. She finally signed for me to get a marriage license. We were married at the local radio station by the DeeJay/Minister. LOL

     Well, anyone can guess how the marriage went. I lived next door to my mother. I worked, he partied, and she meddled and stirred up trouble whenever she could. My job was at a sewing mill, seaming binding around the armholes of womens' blouses. I was so fresh out of school that, on my first day at work, I actually raised my hand to get permission from the supervisor to go to the bathroom. The lady at the machine next to me laughed and said, " Honey, if you got to go, just go! You ain't got to ask nobody!" Boy, was my face red!

     It broke my heart to leave my baby with anyone. I felt like she was only safe when she was in my arms. I would sew and cry at the same time. The days seemed to last forever! I think that was one of the saddest times in my life. I finally got rid of that deadbeat and I eventually got more settled about leaving my kids with a sitter but only very trusted family. I have been fortunate enough to be able to work from home and my 2 yougest have never had to stay with a sitter. For that, I am very grateful.

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