*MY HAREM!* Look At All These Beautiful Faces! Follow Me! And Try To Keep Up, For Pete's Sake!!


Not In The Brochure, Entry #2 ~ Do You Wheelie Want to Hurt Me?

  Back so soon? Yeah, I'm here. Still in pain but now also in a bad, bad, mood, because Hubs woke me from my NyQuil induced slumber to find something that was right in front of his face.. So what better time to pick on the locals? There is none. Besides, isn't laughter supposed to be the best medicine?
  In the starring roll today is a man who never seems to learn from his mistakes. Ever. His name begins with the letter "J" and rhymes with Smeresmiah. But, for the sake of simplicity, I will just call him "Dummy" for the duration of this post...
  Dummy's parents live really close to my husband. Years ago, before I met and married my husband, Dummy was still living with his parents, as he was only 16 years old. ( Mind you, I don't really hold this next part against him as he was only a teenager. I just think he should have learned from this really big mistake.) Well one night, after his parents were asleep, Dummy decided he would sneak out and take a joy ride in his mother's car. Trying to be as quiet as possible, he knocked the car out of Park and planned to push it out of the driveway. Well, the car got away from him and Dummy ran in front of it, trying to stop it. With the whole neighborhood being asleep and this being a seldom traveled road, nobody heard Dummy's screams.
  A couple of hours later, one of Hub's hired hands was coming home from the bar and saw the neighbor's car, nose first into a ditch on our side of the road. He stopped to investigate and soon found Dummy folded completely in half, between the front of the car and the ditch. Dummy lived, but his back was broken and he lost both his legs from the knee down. Now this is where I come to the point that some folks learn from their mistakes and some do not. Dummy did not.
  In the years since this happened, he has chosen to be nothing but a drinking, drugging, hell raiser. He was fitted with fake legs and he still drives. How he drives with fake legs, I have no idea, as the vehicles are not specially fitted with hand controls. Personally, driving the same streets as him scares the crap outta me. He has crashed more cars than I can even count ( perhaps because HE CAN'T FEEL HIS FEET!! DUH! ). Once, he and his younger brother had a head on collision  because they were playing chicken in their cars. He always just gets a slap on the wrist and is released. Really, how many people can you think of, without legs, who have received even ONE DUI, let alone multiple DUI's? Exactly.
  So anyway, a few years ago, someone got the great idea to give Dummy an electric wheelchair. Guess they were afraid his arms might get tired as he terrorized the neighborhood on a daily basis. I have no idea what sort of tires this thing has on it, but he treats it like a 4-wheeler. He takes it into the woods, down dirt roads, etc...
  Once, during a bad ice storm, when barely anyone could drive the roads, a neighbor who lives about 5 miles over the road, heard someone yelling at the tree line. He could barely believe his eyes when he saw that it was Dummy, in his electric wheelchair, waving and screaming for help. Seems that Dummy, knowing that some logging trucks would be parked in those woods till the storm passed, has decided to check them out the night before, hoping to get a 5 finger discount on some tools or something. He wound up getting his car stuck in the mud, tried to drive out of the mud till he ran out of gas, found that all the trucks were locked up tight, nearly froze to death overnight in his car, then started making his way out of the woods in his wheelchair at sunrise...
  But here is my favorite. The one that makes me nearly pee myself laughing. A couple of summers ago, when his electric wheelchair was in the shop, Dummy decided to take his manual powered chair down to the river and fish off the bridge. Well the ride there was mostly downhill and easy. But, as night started to fall, he realized there was no way that he could roll himself back up the big hill. Well a neighbor drove by and asked if he needed help. He told her he sure could use a lift up that hill. She got out of the car, planning to  put him and his chair inside. He told her their was no use for all that, it was just a short trip and he would just hold her back bumper and let her pull him up the hill. She hesitated but he convinced her it would be fine. So she got back in the car and once he yelled with the go ahead, she took off. It worked great, to begin with... But, about halfway up the hill, those little wheels on the front of his chair flew off! Dummy flipped forward, still holding the bumper for a few seconds, but eventually he was no longer able to hang on and went tumbling back down the hill. When all was said and done, he had a broken arm and had road rash all over, including his face. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time...

1 comment:

  1. Oh.my.stars! You have the craziest stories! They crack me up (but I'm sure they shouldn't). LOL! And -- you know...why is it that men can't find things that are right in front of their faces? My hubby is the SAME way. He will look and look (according to him) for something and not find it. I go in and find it quickly. Do they become blind or something? Hope you're feeling better!


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