The Big Bangs Theory

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Remember the big, teased up bangs of the late 80's and 90's? They were so addictive! It took ages for me to prefect my technique. First, I would pull the rest of my hair back in a ponytail. Then, using a rat tail comb, I would section off my bangs into three clumps. Next, I would hold up the clump closest to my hairline and coat it in the strongest hold hairspray that I could buy and curl it back. The same with the clump in front of it. For the last clump, I would spray it and curl it downward. Finally, I would carefully tease these rock-hard curls to perfection with a toothbrush that I had purchased just for that purpose, finishing the whole thing off with another coat of hairspray. I could complete this home salon miracle in less than five minutes. 

 How I never set my hair on fire is beyond me. The thought often crossed my mind, when I would hear my hair sizzle as I wrapped it around the barrel of the curling iron. I had my emergency plan all figured out. I knew that in my state of panic, I probably wouldn't have the good sense to just quickly stick my head in the toilet or under a faucet. But instead, I would run from the house, looking like an Olympic torch, screaming the whole way for someone, anyone, to please pee on my head and put me out. Sadly, the first to come to my aid would be the alcoholic next door, whose urine was probably somewhere around 80 proof, thus turning the flames into an inferno.  Finally, a clever 4Th grader, who had just learned the Stop, Drop and Roll technique on his class trip to the Fire Department the week before, would manage to tackle me and put out the flames. His act of heroism would soon make the news wire and then we would find ourselves, he in his Little League uniform and me, sporting my new Clint Howard hairdo, on the Today show, telling the world and Matt Lauer the whole ugly story...

  Sorry, I strayed from my original story...

  Anyway, I was like the bang pouf master or something. So much so, that total strangers would stop me to ask for my technique. My sister, who never mastered the process, would stop by each day before work and I would "do her bangs" for her. We worked together at a local restaurant, waiting tables. Our uniform required that we wear a really dumb looking head scarf. The big bangs saved us. With them, we looked awesome in the scarf. Without them, we looked like Hummels. An added plus was that our hair also looked marvelous when we would remove the scarves at the end of our shift. Thus allowing us to go straight from work to Walmart or the like.

Anyway, one day, after I had teased our bangs to record heights, we hopped in her car and headed to work. About halfway there, I felt a searing pain shoot through the top of my head. It was really, really, bad. Before I had a second to figure out what was causing the pain, I realized that I was literally being lifted from my seat by my head. My mind raced, " It's a bird! A bird has spotted by bangs through the sunroof and is trying to take them for her nest! No, wait! A little bird couldn't pick me up by my hair. Oh God! It's an EAGLE! A freaking eagle is trying to fly away with my hair!!" After what seemed like an eternity, my sister finally stopped asking me why I was screaming and actually took her eyes off the  road long enough to look. It still took her a few seconds longer to take her finger off the damn button that she was pressing in order to CLOSE THE SUNROOF, which just so happened to be dragging my bangs along for the ride!

  Even that near baldness experience didn't deter me from big bangs. I finally stopped when Cina was in kindergarten, after she mentioned one day that she loved my hair because it made me look like Charlie Brown's little sister...

P.S. I am leaving in a little while to try the MRI thing again. First, we have to swing by the drug store and pick up some nerve medication that the doctor called in for me. The hope is that it will actually keep me in the machine without a panic attack this time. I should go in the machine for the first 30 minute stretch at about 1:30 EST . Please send me good vibes and prayers. Thanks!

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