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Top Ten Thursday

Welcome to Top Ten Thursday! I created this meme to add a little bit of variety to Frump Day ( no longer Hump Day, not yet Friday...) If you would like to participate, just create your own Top Ten post about anything your heart desires and add the link below. Everyone is welcome to join in. This should get really interesting...

Top Ten Reasons My "Doctor" Scares The Poop Out of Me

1. I put "doctor" in quotations because, of the two available "doctors" there, neither one is actually a "doctor". They're both Nurse Practitioners. There is no actual doctor on the premises. This limits what they can prescribe to a person and so they tend to "adjust" their diagnosis to whatever medical samples they have on hand.

2. They keep adding more examination rooms. By "adding", I mean they put up new walls and divide their current, already tiny, examination rooms into two, and sometimes three, rooms. Monday, I was taken to a room that was no larger than 4' x 6', I am not kidding.

3. Twice, in the past two weeks, I have received a call from their office, asking me to come by (45 minutes from my home is hardly a "come by" location!), so the "doctor" can discuss test results with me face to face.

"Can't she just tell me over the phone?", I ask the receptionist.

"No. She likes to discuss certain things face to face."

"Well, can this wait until tomorrow? This is awful short notice." I whine.

"No. She needs to talk with you today. If you come by after 1:30 this afternoon, we'll take you right back."

 LIAR! Both times, I have fallen for that line. Both times, I have found myself sitting on a cold, hard, folding chair, in a jam packed waiting room, surrounded by crying babies, with green ooze creeping from their little noses, teenagers with questionable rashes around their mouths, little old ladies, snoozing in their chairs, faceless coughs resounding from somewhere in the crowd. Oh Lord, what if that is a Swine Flu cough?! Have I touched anything? I'll bet that fibbing twit told all of these folks they would be taken straight back! Panicking, I rummage through my purse for hand sanitizer that I know isn't there. I can't even find a lousy handi-wipe.

 Afraid to touch the magazines, I entertain myself by imagining why the "doctor" needs to see me so urgently. One hour and forty-five minutes later, just as I am deciding the best way to break the news of my untimely demise to my family,  I am jolted from my day-nightmare by the sound of my name. Ignoring the "Bitch! I was here before you!" looks, I make a mad dash for the door that leads to the hall of examination rooms...

4. While looking at my chart, the nurse asks, "What's bothering you today, Hon?"

"Nothing new is bothering me. Y'all called me..."

"We did?"

Mentally, I spin her head around with a bitch slap.

"Yes! I was told it couldn't wait until tomorrow. That the doctor needed to talk to me."

"OH! OK! Wait right here. She'll be right in"

My ass, she'll be right in...

Twenty minutes later, the doctor squeezes her way into the "room" with me. Had we been any closer, we would have been on the other side of each other.

"What's bothering you today, Hon?"

"Nothing new is bothering me. Y'all called me..."

"We did?"

Mentally, I lock the door, turn off the light, and start swinging. "... and that's when I killed her, Your Honor"

"You wanted me to come by, so you could talk to me..."

"OH! Your Lyme test was positive."

"I know. You've had me taking Doxycycline for over a week."

"I am increasing your Armour dosage to 180 mg a day"

"You did that last week."

She starts flipping through my file, almost frantically.

She has no freaking clue why she has called me in...

"The Endocrinologist can't work you in until July."

"Yes. July 16 th"

"How are you feeling?" Her expression morphs to "deeply concerned", hoping to convince me that she has stayed awake nights, worried about this.

"I feel like hell. I'm thinking of taking up marathon drinking. I can't recall ever seeing an alcoholic that complained of aching bones."

She chuckles. "I have some samples of a new medicine for pain that I'd like you to try."

Just wanting to get out of there, I agree to take the samples. I leave, knowing that I'll be getting another "can you drop by" call in a few days, when she remembers whatever it was that she so desperately needed to tell me.

6. I swear to you, sometimes this place calls me just trying to drum up business. For real! Sometimes the receptionist will call out of the blue and say, " Just calling to see if you're feeling alright and ask if you need to see us for anything." You see, I pay cash and they get $70.00 from me every time I have to go in.

7. I know many people that go to this clinic and each and every one of them has been told that they have a chemical imbalance that requires medication. They have tried that same crap on me many times. I quickly pointed out to them that a "chemical imbalance" causes irrational fears. All of my fears however, are rational. I have a fear of traveling by car because, thanks to my ex, I have seen the underbelly of a tractor-trailer from inside of a car. I have nightmares of being chased, shot at, molested, raped, and beaten, because all of those things have happened to me. Those are NOT irrational fears. Those are things, that I know first hand, can and do happen.

Anyway, I'll dedicate the last three spaces to good things that happened on Monday, despite my hellish doctor visit...

8. I went to lunch with Renni, Finace, and Worra to our favorite Mexican restaurant. It was almost Heaven! We were given wrapped straws. And when Fiance decided to tempt the hands of fate and order the Texas Fajita, he actually got what he ordered!

9. We stopped by the local Goodwill store and I found some great buys. I got a like new salad spinner for 4.00, a new garlic roaster for 2.00, a dressmaking book for 1.50, and the entire Sesame Street Library collection ( Copyright 1971 lol) for 6.00! Here is a pic. I could only manage to sneak one of the Sesame Street books away from Ross and Tallen...

10. Hubs minded the kids while I was gone and did really OK with them. Nobody was starving, injured, or dirty, when I returned home...


  1. this post just rocked me, this was so freaking funny.....i had tears coming out my eyes. I can just see you sitting there...lol

  2. Mentally, I lock the door, turn off the light, and start swinging. "... and that's when I killed her, Your Honor"
    I bust out laughing!!! Thank you.

  3. Thanks for stopping by my blog & helping to make my SITS day special!

  4. I'm sorry you're feeling poorly. My husband had Lyme Disease a few years ago and it was rough on him.

    I'm glad SonyaAnn linked your blog, I love funny ones!

  5. Glad y'all enjoyed the post! Thanks for the follow, Jessica!

  6. Dan River Mama, I know that this wasn't a funny experience, but you made it funny! Found you through SonyaAnn and I am glad I did!!

    Love your blog! Hope you get to feeling better.


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