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A little bit of this, that, and the other...

Happy Birthday, Renni!

On this day, 22 years ago, you came into this world and would forever be my eldest child. I was only in labor for 3.5 hours, before I held you in my arms. You weighed a whopping 5 lbs 11 ozs! I refused any drugs for the pain of labor and, despite everyone scaring me as to how bad childbirth was going to hurt, it really wasn't as bad as I expected.

Despite being born to a mother, who was only a child of 16 herself, and soon becoming a child of divorce, you have beaten the odds and grown into a lovely young woman. A woman who is a loving and caring daughter, a doting and spoiling big sister, a very hard worker, a non-smoker, a non-drinker (except occasionally, which is fine lol), who is already out making her own way in this world, without help from anyone. You have grown up to be not only my daughter, but also my best friend. Happy Birthday! I love you.

Ouch! My Head...

I have been getting horrible headaches lately. Not like a usual migraine. These are always in the front left lobe of my skull and include my eye and the left side of my nose. Yesterday's headache was there when I awoke and lasted all day and night. I was so happy to wake up with no pain this morning.

My doctor has had me taking 2 50mg Tramadol HCL , every 6 hours, for joint and muscle pain. Without it, I am worthless. It enables me to move around without pain and doesn't make me loopy like some other medications. But I wonder if the headaches may not be coming from the high dose she has me taking. So, I am cutting back to just 1 tablet every 6 hours, I still have pain in my legs at that dose, but it is bearable. I'm thinking the high dose of Tramadol might be giving me rebound headaches or something. We'll see...

My Brain is Maturing? Maybe...

Lately, I have been having these very profound thoughts coming to me from nowhere. Mostly about things that I already knew, that maybe I just never accepted. This usually happens when I am not quite asleep and not exactly awake, when I am mulling over the past in my mind. Thinking about my lost childhood, about being abused, about being abandoned.

The other night, as I lay thinking, clear as a bell, a voice said to me, "You know, you can never go back a relive those years. It's impossible to be a child again." That made me cry. I nearly cry just typing about it. Because it is so raw and so personal. You see, as a logical thinking, 38 year old woman. I am of course, well aware that I cannot relive a single moment of my life that has passed me by. Or, at least I thought I knew this. But to actually hear it, from God, or my brain, where ever that voice came from, crushed me.

I can only think that some little part of me,some piece of the little girl I used to be, that didn't know any better and wasn't aware of how the real world works, has been hidden away in my mind for all these years, holding out hope for a better life. Thinking that, one day, she would be rescued by a normal set of parents and be whisked away to a life filled with hugs and kisses and enough food, with decent clothes to wear, a safe place to lay her head at night. A place with no belts, no alcohol, no drugs, no sex, no prying eyes or prodding fingers, no bad men that attack in the night. A place where she would be nurtured and loved and given every opportunity to grow up into the great person that she knows she has the potential to be.

But that was never to be. I always knew it. I guess I just needed to hear it. I cry because my heart breaks for her.


P.S. I have now fixed the Mr. Linky form on the Bloggy Crush Award post. If you participate, please add the link to your's to the form. If you don'tparticipate, please join in!

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