Shame On Me! Saturday

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I am in a confessing mood today, I guess. So, I shall share more than one story...

At any given time, my husband is positively swimming in feminine products and doesn't even know it. Every year, he gets his arms sunburned and they itch like crazy. The same goes for his face. A few years ago, when he was driving me bonkers, demanding that I put something on it to make the itch go away, I had a brainstorm. I went into the bathroom and squeezed some Vagisil from the tube, returned to the living room and rubbed it on Hub's arms and face. Within minutes, he declared, " Wow! I don't know what that is but it sure does the trick!" Trying not to giggle, I replied, "Oh, it's just some anti-itch cream that I found." Since then, I have used several different brands of "Feminine Itch Relief Cream" to cure him. As long as it had "Vag" in the name or "Feminine" and then refers to being anti-itch, it works.

A couple of years ago, I happened upon a clearance rack at Walmart, in the middle of the night. I picked up a bottle of FDS Intimate Warming Lotion for a buck. It sat in the linen closet, unopened, for a long while. Until, one night, Hub's declared that his feet were positively throbbing with pain. I slipped the bottle from the closet, went to the sofa, and rested his feet in my lap. I took a couple of squirts from the bottle and set about massaging his feet. He was in Heaven! Within minutes, the pain was gone and his feet were toasty warm. I could see he was amazed but he never did ask what "magical potion" I had used. LOL

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When my sister, brother, and myself, lived with our mother and our evil step-dad in Florida, it was boring as heck! He would force us to walk to the "park" all the time. Actually, there was only one decent park in the area and it was too far away to walk to. The rest of those so called "parks" were just boiling hot sand pits, with no trees. We couldn't even play on the few lousy pieces of equipment that they offered, as the swings had been stolen and the jungle gym was roughly 1000 degrees 'neath the brewing Florida sun. The walk there, the stay (that we had to time just long enough or he would send us back), and the walk back home was pure toasty hell. There was no park on our street. I just Googled the distance to the park we were sent to and it is 1.2 miles and 23 minutes away.

Anywho, this and the fact that he was usually drunk and abusive, inspired me to find way to stay out of his sight. Thus, I became quick friends with a sweet elderly couple across the street, Red and Girty. They loved to talk about this and that and I loved hanging out and seeing how a normal family lived. They had a mixed breed dog that lived inside. This dog would have horrible breathing attacks, whenever she got overly excited. Honest. All one had to do was say "Hello!" to this dog, in a slightly sing-song voice, and she would fall onto her side and start snorting like a pig, her eyes practically bulging right out of her head! The first time this happened, it scared me half to death! Girty assured me that the dog would be fine, as soon as she calmed down.

Not wanting to be a total hog with my new found escape, I decided to introduce my older sister to them as well. We had the best time! They doted on us, even teaching us how to cook hush puppies and letting us have pink grapefruits from their tree. But my sister's first day at their house proved to be very traumatic for her. You see, Red and Girty had a sun room at the front of their house where there was a small wicker sofa and end table, a sitting room of sorts for company. On that coffee table, Girty kept a dish full of Brach's toffees. Well, as my sister sat there waiting to meet my friends, their little dog came strolling out to greet me. I encouraged my sister to pet the dog and let it get to know her. Wanting to make a fast friend, she took a piece of the toffee, slipped off the wrapper, and slyly held her hand down for the dog to take the candy. Well, it's no surprise that the dog gobbled it right down. I pretended not to even notice, as I stood staring out a window.

I waited maybe five minutes, knelt down to the dog and said, in my best sing-song voice, "Hi, little girl! Are you glad to see me?!" Like clockwork, she collapsed onto her side and started that awful, bug-eyed, snorting! Conjuring up my best look of terror, I turned to my sister, who already looked as if she might faint just watching that dog, "Oh God! Did you give her candy?!" My sister nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. Looking even more horrified, I declared, "You should have asked first! She's diabetic and can't have sweets! Now she's dying!" As if she understood, the dog got even louder and more bug-eyed, "Eeeeeeeeek! Wuuuuuuuck! Eeeeeeeeek! Wuuuuuuuuuuck!", giving us a frightened look that said, "Help me! Please don't let me die!" My sister was positively bawling at this point, "Oh no! Why didn't you tell me?!" I snapped back, "Why didn't you ask?!" She replied, "I don't knoooow! What am I going to dooooooo?!" Just then, the floor creaked inside the house, announcing that Red and Girty were on their way out to the porch. The little dog jumped to her feet and wagged her tail. They greeted me sister and she quickly calmed down. Although she did shoot death darts at me with her eyes, for the rest of the visit! Hey, I was only 9!

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