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Sometimes, when it's quiet (I promise, that does happen occasionally here, at The Castle of Chaos), it hits me like a ton of bricks. Here I am, barely a gnat's sneeze from turning 40 years old. How in the hell did I get here so fast?! It is so true that life is what happens while were making other plans.
I wonder if I unknowingly set myself up for this rude awakening, by putting my head down so many times in my life. Whenever my life was unhappy, I made it through each situation by putting down my head, shutting out the world, snapping into survival mode, and charging through it, like a bull. It kept me from losing my mind on many occasions. When, I was molested, as a small child, I dropped my head. When my father died, I dropped my head. Being abused, going hungry, being teased, abandoned, used, battered, raped, sick, divorced, homeless, and on, and on, and on...Each time, I dropped my head, surfacing on the other side, happy to have survived. Too naive to realize that, while I had succeeded in blocking out the bad things, I had also succeeded in missing out on many great things. Things that I can never get back.
I never went to a school dance or prom. I never went to college or traveled the world. I have never even been to a simple concert. Which leads me to wonder if a life lived in fear can be fulfilling. Have I really "survived" or have I just managed to keep a heartbeat, as I pissed away 38 years. Fear, my dear readers, is a killer of dreams...
Dawna, I found this article online once, and I really liked it. I believe it totally describes your situation. I don't think that you have wasted your years with your head burrowed, so to speak. I believe that it took much courage for you to get through those events.
ReplyDelete"Fear must come in order to develop courage. Courage cannot exist and cannot be experienced or expressed without the presence of fear. Fear is often brought into the equation in order to help us tap into, develop and embrace our courage."
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Positive-Power-of-Fear&id=1235324
I am going to be 46 years old in June, and when I was turning 40, although scary, it was a time of reflection, almost exactly like what you are going through. It was a time of deciding what to hang on to and what to let go of (memories OR people!). For me, it has been a time of letting go of clutter, both physical and mental, and learning to "go with the flow."
Fear CAN kill dreams, but the courage that fear develops in a person can also give you the strength to tackle some new dreams. You have to have a dream...it is what makes life worth living!!
You are a brave woman, my blog friend, and very wise. I enjoy reading your posts! :)
Have a wonderful weekend!
PS: Fear is what gave me the courage to adopt our special needs daughter 14 years ago! People thought we were crazy, but it had been a dream of mine to adopt a child and I went for it!
Thank you, A. Marie. I just feel like I was so busy dealing with grownup shit when I was just little kid, that I totally missed getting to do any kids things. Now, I'm pushing 40 and my mind doesn't want to admit that I'm that old. Like if it does, it will have to admit that any chance of getting back those lost years isn't possible. I'm here, but my mind is still frozen in the Hell it lived all those years ago, trying to squeeze a happy ending from it some how. I made it through but am now just a shell of a person, with nothing to offer the world. It's hard to explain...
ReplyDeleteNow Dawna, you survived for a reason - to help others who are not as strong as you. You may have missed out on your childhood but you are stronger for it and you are now able to stand up and protect your children and others you visit you online, or face to face. We have to look at that glass and see it half - full not half empty.
ReplyDeleteWe are here for you - YaYa Sisterhood of the Blog will stay behind you - kind of like that Verizon commercial - that's my network. You are not a shell of a person and what you offer the world may not look like much to you but to me it is a unique friendship founded online but stronger than most....so my dear friend, is that glass gonna be half empty or half full?
38 years is still plenty young enough to change some of the things you didn't get to do. Maybe you can't go to a school dance or prom, but you can travel, you change friendships, you can change your life style.
ReplyDeleteWrite a list of 10 things you didn't get to do and take one thing at a time. Each thing done and marked off will give you confidence to do another and another.
Good luck
sandy
As someone who turned 40 last year...38 is still enough time to seize the moment, to find your passion and dance like nobody is watching....seize your moment Dawna.
ReplyDeleteLift your head up, look at the sun and follow your dreams. You lived through such an ordeal and you survived. Now it's your time and you will enjoy it more because of what you've gone through.
Don't look at it like pissing 38 years away. Look at it as having the time of your life for the next 38 and beyond. Leave the fear behind.....
When there is fear we can not let in love (Gods healing) I also heard and always remember fear stands for face everything and recover! Following your blog and keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for taking the time to comfort me and lift my spirits! Y'all didn't have to and still took the time. I love each and every one of you for it and it means the world to me. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI just saw this post and just wanted to say that I am so sorry for all that you have gone though.
ReplyDeleteBut 38 and even 40 is definitely not and end. I am 52 and loving life everyday. Try to put your past behind you and start living your life right now. You still have a lot of living to do!