To see this title, actually blaring back at me, is a feeling that I cannot describe. On one hand, I feel like, "There! I said it.", on the other, I feel that old familiar fear creep up inside of me. The fear of opening a can of worms that can never be closed again. I have brushed the subject before, but now I plan to go into more detail.
Maybe it is the result of some nerve pills that the doctor prescribed me, for a road trip I have to endure. Or maybe, I am just sick of being sick. I'm sick of my sister being sick. And I have come to realize that secrets eat your guts away.Am I scared? Yes. But, if he should come after me, I have a gun sitting here waiting for him.I'm tired of being afraid. So here goes...
One of my very first memories is of my oldest stepbrother standing by the bedroom window, watching for my daddy's car to go out of sight. Waiting for the coast to be clear. I was three years old. The minute it was safe, he began to undress himself and then me. I will add here that we were a large family and so he was quite a bit older than me, in his mid teens. So it isn't as if he didn't know any better. It troubles me that, even though I cannot remember this happening on days before this one, it was so routine, nothing seemed unusual to me, so I know it must have not been the first time. Also, it happened many times after this.
His favorite thing to do was to pretend that he had hurt his penis and "cry" until I would kiss it and make it better. He also did things to my my vagina, but I have blocked that out. I do remember there often being blood in my panties. Why on earth my mother didn't find this strange is beyond me. But, whatever went on, this was completely normal to me, as I had never known any different. The molestation finally ended when he joined the army and moved away. Ended from him anyway. His actions had set me up to be a target for years to come. Other molesters can sense what kids are easy pickings.
I distinctly recall the day that I realized this was anything but normal. I was nine years old and sitting outside on the grass. Just thinking. When I thought of what my brother had done, it hit me, that was NOT normal. There came a time, when I was thirteen and he showed up at our door. I wouldn't let him in, as I was home alone. That's when he realized that I remembered every nasty thing he'd ever done to me. Since that day, he has done everything in his power to run me down to others. I think that he believes that is he can make me look like a bad person, if I do ever snap and tell all, nobody will believe me. He did the very same things to my sister, though I didn't find out till we were older.
I just want to make a point for everyone to keep a close eye on their kids and don't assume that they will come tell you if something like this happens. I never told, as I didn't even realize that what was happening was wrong. I was made to believe that it was a game. Also, a molester can attack a child in just a few short minutes.Protect your kids with your life and keep them close.