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Monday

I Was Molested

To see this title, actually blaring back at me, is a feeling that I cannot describe. On one hand, I feel like, "There! I said it.", on the other, I feel that old familiar fear creep up inside of me. The fear of opening a can of worms that can never be closed again. I have brushed the subject before, but now I plan to go into more detail.


Maybe it is the result of some nerve pills that the doctor prescribed me, for a road trip I have to endure. Or maybe, I am just sick of being sick. I'm sick of my sister being sick. And I have come to realize that secrets eat your guts away.Am I scared? Yes. But, if he should come after me, I have a gun sitting here waiting for him.I'm tired of being afraid. So here goes...

One of my very first memories is of my oldest stepbrother standing by the bedroom window, watching for my daddy's car to go out of sight. Waiting for the coast to be clear. I was three years old. The minute it was safe, he began to undress himself and then me. I will add here that we were a large family and so he was quite a bit older than me, in his mid teens. So it isn't as if he didn't know any better. It troubles me that, even though I cannot remember this happening on days before this one, it was so routine, nothing seemed unusual to me, so I know it must have not been the first time. Also, it happened many times after this.

His favorite thing to do was to pretend that he had hurt his penis and "cry" until I would kiss it and make it better. He also did things to my my vagina, but I have blocked that out. I do remember there often being blood in my panties. Why on earth my mother didn't find this strange is beyond me. But, whatever went on, this was completely normal to me, as I had never known any different. The molestation finally ended when he joined the army and moved away. Ended from him anyway. His actions had set me up to be a target for years to come. Other molesters can sense what kids are easy pickings.

I distinctly recall the day that I realized this was anything but normal. I was nine years old and sitting outside on the grass. Just thinking. When I thought of what my brother had done, it hit me, that was NOT normal. There came a time, when I was thirteen and he showed up at our door. I wouldn't let him in, as I was home alone. That's when he realized that I remembered every nasty thing he'd ever done to me. Since that day, he has done everything in his power to run me down to others. I think that he believes that is he can make me look like a bad person, if I do ever snap and tell all, nobody will believe me. He did the very same things to my sister, though I didn't find out till we were older.

I just want to make a point for everyone to keep a close eye on their kids and don't assume that they will come tell you if something like this happens. I never told, as I didn't even realize that what was happening was wrong. I was made to believe that it was a game. Also, a molester can attack a child in just a few short minutes.Protect your kids with your life and keep them close.

HUGS


12 comments:

  1. Good for you for being brave enough to come forward and share this with others. The first step toward recovering from this type of awful abuse is to talk about it. And talk about it. And share it with others. You are right; secrets can make a person sick.

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  2. Thanks, A. Marie. I have avoided him like the plague for many years. What really brought everything back to the front of my mind is that I saw his adult daughter's profile on FB. the other day. She is severely overweight and from what other relatives tell me, she is also an emotional wreck. It makes me wonder what he may have put her through. I think if he wasn't above molesting his own sister, he may not have drawn the line with his own daughter.

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  3. So sorry to read that you had to go through this. {hugs}

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  4. I'm so sorry Dawna.
    Sex is such a taboo topic in our culture (ironically, since it's also so publicized) and unfortunately I think that 'we don't talk about it' taboo helps the abusers by keeping the secret.
    I know how hard it is to tell the world, but I really think there is nothing like telling the truth--and telling it loud--to help break the cycles. Predators need darkness and secrets to continue, and when we turn on the light and shout the truth they are caught.

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  5. ... and hugs to you.

    Sorry to hear what happened, but it's probably better you found the strength to talk about it.

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  6. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. And happy that you have decided to start your healing process.

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  7. I am so sorry for you and everything that you have had to endure because of this. I really think that you need to talk to someone to help you with past and present issues. Take care of yourself.

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  8. Thank you all so much for talking me through this. HUGS

    Sonya, A few years ago, I spoke to a therapist, one of the free ones through the health department. When I got to the part about my brother pretending to be in pain and what he had me do, that bastard honestly snickered. I kid you not. I felt stupid for even trying to talk to someone. After that, other than Blog therapy, I have not tried to discuss this with anyone again.

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  9. i'm new here today & what a sad day to stop by! but at the same time, there's power in exposure.
    i was molested too and now that i'm grown, i have a daughter of my own. i'm so concerned that the same will happen to her. makes my stomach want to puke just thinking of it.
    blog therapy is a beautiful thing.

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  10. Sherilin,
    Thanks so much for stopping by, I'm so sorry that you went through such a terrible thing. I know, when my first child was born, everything that I had ever been afraid of quadrupled in size, it seemed. But now the fear was for those horrible things happening to my child. With each child, the fear has grown, as there are more lives to keep up with.
    I have always been afraid to ever leave my kids at daycare, or with sitters. I do know this, as sure as I sit here. If I ever discover that someone has made it past my radar and hurt one of my kids in that way, I will end them. They won't have a trial. They won't have a jail term. They will be pushing up daisies. I know that sounds so harsh but it is how I feel and I know that the justice system today cannot be trusted to remove someone like that from the streets.


    HUGS
    Dawna

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  11. I'm so sorry this happened to you and was allowed to happen for so long. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to admit, but I also imagine it's a big relief.

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  12. What a brave thing to come out and say. I am sure your testimony will make everyone more aware. Thank you for you honest story.

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