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Maybe that title does not even fit. I do think, however, that I have a character flaw that pushes me to need to approval of others, in order to validate my existence.
The book stuff has always came easily to me. Even so, my mother could never be bothered to show up and see me receive an award at school. She took no pride in me. No pride that I managed to be a straight A student, despite moving every few days and dealing with her abuse and that of her husbands and boyfriends. Therefore, in my mind, it must not have been as great as I assumed it was. I had felt proud for no reason.
This moved on to the men in my life. Once, in high school, I got first place in an art contest. I was positively bursting with pride, when I showed the artwork and award to my boyfriend ( eventual husband). He laughed at it and said it looked like shit. So I hid it, until I had a chance to burn it.
I wrote a poem for Tallen. It was a great poem. After much debate, I decided to share it with my husband. His response was, "Oh, is that some more of that Autism stuff?", in a very mocking tone. Again, I just made it disappear.
I can spend hours pouring my heart and soul into something creative and a few cruel words can turn all my hard work to shit.
I now deal with this on a daily basis, from my husband, with every meal I cook, with every piece of jewelry I design, with absolutely everything I do. Everything is a waste of my time according to him and I could find a better way to spend my day. I like to make others feel good about their accomplishments and I have a hard time coping with someone that wants to take a piss on anything that I take pride in. I just don't understand.
HUGS
I think that we all suffer from self esteem issues from one time to another. Just some people have gotten the short end of the stick more often. When I have an abusive person tearing me down, I try and step out of the situation and figure out what they are trying to achieve with their words. And I also, go over my work as an outsider and think what I would say if someone else had done it. And then those are the words that I hold in my heart. I give myself the truth and a kindness that is so often withheld.
ReplyDeleteI love you and I will always be here for you.
I am playing catchup today and just read this. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. You know your husband is being an ass. Maybe your talents intimidate him, or he thinks if you thought better of yourself you would see that you deserve better than him. Whatever his issue, you need to try to make it not be yours. Your opinion of your self should not be based on the opinions of others.
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