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I Only Thought I knew What a Broken Heart Is

I posted a few days ago, about my high BP and abnormal EKG results. How my doctor had insisted that I reduce my stress levels etc... as I could afford to do follow up at a cardiologist for now. I relayed how, despite doing my best, that very evening turned out to be one of the most stressful times in a long while for me. Little did I know what was just ahead...

If there has been a time in my life, when I have felt more blind, used, stupid, heartbroken, I just can't recall it. I have cried till I think I can't manage another tear, then I surprise myself by crying even more. Who had the power to do this? My husband? My mother? No. My seventeen year old daughter.

On the Friday following my doctor visit, she came and stood by me with a familiar look on her face. The look that tells me she is about to ask to go somewhere that I may not agree with, or maybe she needs me to buy tampons, that uncomfortable look, like she's having a hard time getting up the nerve to say what she needs to.

I finally asked, "OK,what is it you want that you are having trouble asking? Spit it out?" I said this in a lighthearted, almost teasing tone. In no way prepared for the answer I was about to hear.

"I want to move in with Dad for the upcoming school year."

I felt like I had been kicked in the ribs. The air in my lungs disappeared. Tears filled my eyes and all I could manage to say as I made my way out of the room was, "Thanks! Thanks a lot!" As I passed by Hubs, he asked what was wrong but I couldn't manage to speak. I found the cordless phone and made my outside to call my oldest daughter. My main objective was to talk to someone, anyone, who could calm me down, as I honestly felt like I was about to have a heart attack. It was no use. I got her on the phone and couldn't manage to make a word of sense through my choking sobs.

I really just had not seen this coming. I am an idiot. Probably for the last six months, she has spent the majority of her time at home upstairs in her room. She would come down and eat dinner and go back, saying she had homework. However, if a friend called, she could manage time to talk to them for hours, doing the homework later. She is in a lot of Honors classes, so I knew this took a lot of extra effort. I was the first to make excuses for her absence and disinterest in being around us, to Hubs. She would also make her way downstairs to go out with friends and to school events and to go for her visits at her dad's house.

She was involved in a lot of school activities and Hubs shuttled her back and forth. I would even allow her to hang out at her boyfriend's home after school, as they were in the same play together and thus would ride from there to practice. Hubs never agreed with them having so much "alone time" but I assured him that I know my daughter and I trust her.

There was a tendency of hers to magically disappear into the bathroom when there was a chore to be done, such as she and Selly cleaning the kitchen. She would exit the john after about thirty to forty-five minutes, having missed the chore completely or at least having very little to do. This wasn't fair to Selly at all. Yet, I still defended her. I even purchased her fiber, thinking anyone taking that much time in the toilet would have to be constipated or something. Selly and I joked that she obviously thought she was royalty and that we were her lowly servants/support staff.

She would do laundry, but only her own. Selly has always collected everyone dirty clothes if she were doing any laundry. Though she used my shower and bathroom, she would never lift a finger to clean it. That was left to me. Her room looked like a grenade had been tossed into it. Sometimes I would ask if she had done anything around the house on a said day and she would tell me she loaded the dishwasher. Still, I made excuses.

The week before her big announcement, she had been at her dad's. Tallen had a terrible trip to the dentist and was extremely upset, begging to talk to his sister. Despite several email and FB messages from both her sister and myself, she never made the call that she knew would calm him instantly. Upon her return, I questioned why she would act so heartless toward her brother, knowing he is special needs and doesn't understand her ignoring him. I was told that she was at the beach and had no way to call during those TWO WEEKS. She did manage to update her FB status via mobile phone during that time, so it didn't add up. I let it go. She also waited until we had taken her for her learner's permit and I had signed paperwork for her to go to a youth even at ECU, before making her big announcement.

When she left three weeks ago, she hugged her brother and told him she would be back in two weeks. She did not make any contact until the morning of the day she was to return home, over a week ago. This call was to tell me that she didn't feel comfortable coming home to a negative environment (excuse the hell out of us for feeling a bit angry and shell shocked) and would call me in a few days to arrange coming home for a visit. I heard nothing for the whole week and finally called and left a message for her to return my call.

She finally called on Monday evening and told me she wanted to come back for a visit on the 14th of August. I reminded her that our custody agreement states that no parent is to be without seeing her for over three weeks at a time. I told her that she was completely blowing off her promise to her brother etc... This is when she went into a rant, saying that I ridicule her and always have. I begged for an example but she didn't give me one. I continues to ask for an example. Then she switched gears and accused me of making her clean and babysit all the time. A complete falsehood as I would have had to actually see her more than once a week to put her to work doing anything. I admit that, due to illness, I ask for a lot of help when it comes to given Tallen and Ross a bath, as getting down on my knees by the tub is extremely painful. I told her she was full of it. The irony of it all is that, after accusing me of having her take care of the kids, she tells me that she couldn't come this week anyway because she is babysitting for her dad and step-mom all week. WTH? This girl said some of the most horrible things to me. Things I cannot even bring myself to type. I ended the call by telling her to have a nice life.

Really, why would I force her to come home and be around us when she obviously doesn't want to be? Also, in fairness to us, why should she get to call the shots and have us drop everything to come get her, when she suddenly decides to grace us with her presence. I don't even think it is healthy for her brother to get his hopes up over and over and then have them dashed. Maybe it is best to just let her ride her high horse, stay where she is, and carry on with my life. I have no clue what made her make such a turnaround so I cannot fix it. I do know that I cannot take the stress of even trying to hash it out with her.

A few days, I woke with a bad headache that lasted for three days. Then my joints began to ache so bad that I couldn't get out of bed. My fever shot up to 103 and pretty much stayed there for almost 24 hours. I tried taking Ibuprofen for it and it made me sick as a dog. I was drenched in sweat at times and the my teeth were chattering at others .I honestly thought I might be dying. After some strong antibiotics and Prednisone, I started to feel a bit more human, but it was still a few days before I felt normal at all. I am feeling pretty good this week. I've managed to fix mu dishwasher, deep clean some appliances, garden, and do the regular cleaning of the house. I don't know if I should push this, wear myself down, and get sick again. Or just say to hell with it all and let her do what she wants and save my sanity. After all, I have other kids to think about that actually want me in their life and aren't currently on a campaign to make me look like a monster. I'm just so confused and hurt. That's all I know for now.


  1. Dawna, I have to tell you something that you might not want to hear, but as your bloggy pally, I have to tell you anyway. You are going to have to let her go for the sake of your sanity. She sounds EXACTLY like how my younger sister was when she was that age. My Mom had to finally just say, "Whatever!" and let her move out (at age 17). My sis stayed with my Grandma until she graduated from high school and then she moved to the city where I was going to college (I am 2 yrs. older than her). Then, when she got bored with that, she moved out of state and lived with my twin sister for awhile. She finally stabilized, got married, has 2 kids, and works full time for the school district in her state. But, those years when she was, basically, out-of-control were extremely hard on all of us; most of all my Mom.

    Your daughter is showing, by her very actions and words, that her maturity level is not very high. She has alot of growing up to do and life might not be very kind to her as she grows older unless she does some serious growing up. I say this from experience with my sister. She had some not-so-pleasant experiences until she finally got her head on straight and figured some stuff out.

    HANG IN THERE!!! It will get better. But, for now, dry those tears and straighten your shoulders. You are a wonderful Mom and you are doing the very best that you can. It is very hard to be a wife and a parent when you aren't feeling well....I know that all too well....you have nothing to be ashamed of and your daughter was way out of line.

    (((((BIG HUG)))))

  2. Thanks A. Marie. HUGS
    It's just that, when they are little and their dad's are acting less than appropriately and such, a mother hangs in there and comforts herself with knowing that when this child gets older, she will love you and respect the fact that you took the high road and your reward will be seeing what a great person your child grows to be. When somehow your kid winds up hating you and eating up the other parent, it's a slap in the face.

  3. Sweetie-I love you much.
    Teenagers are very hard to deal with at times. You will get through it. You are in the belly of the beast right now. You will "pass" soon enough.

  4. I doesn't matter what kid you are talking about....when they hit that hormonal teen phase, all bets are off. It's like aliens invade their bodies and minds and you will not know what they will do from moment to moment. Scientists have done studies of their brain activity and have found that teenagers are NOT in their right mind.
    Trust me, though you can't see it now, at some point that teen will come out the other end and you can resume having the relationship you want with him/her.
    You need to pick your battles while they are in this teen phase. Some things are worth fighting for but most at this point are not.
    I've got a 20 yr old who is just now emerging from the alien stage. My 18 yr. old is still a grenade you can set off with just a look.
    The 15 yr. old is a wild card and just getting bad. I feel lucky if he chooses to stay in his room and avoid us.lol

    If I can get through 3 of em at once, you'll get through yours.
    Hang in there!

  5. Thanks, slugmama. I really did pick my battles with her. Thus her being allowed to have a room like a pig sty and barely helping around the house when everyone else was expected to do their part.

    I had already been though a rough time with my oldest when she was 17 (now 24 and much nicer person) and my next to oldest (one year her junior and male and still wild, but living in Florida). So I did go especially easy on this one. Everyone was always asking me why she was let away with so much. I would reply that she was an honors student and that she had never given me reason not to trust her. Really she lived the life of a princess and that is why I am so confused by her change of personality. It's as if she has been brainwashed or something, no kidding. Maybe she will come around in a few years. I just don't know

  6. omg! I apologize for my last few comments! I am so sorry you are dealing with the throes of unappreciated TEEN somethings that believe the world revolves around them....and for some reason,....divorced/absent fathers seem to capture all their attentions and misdirected love...all I can say is I have been there...stay the course they will come back to the most stable of parents (you) just continue to love them/her she will be



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