It's Just As I Suspected, My Kids Are Trying To Kill Me

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Or maybe just maim me for life...




   I don't know how I have missed so many red flags over the years... A "forgotten" Lego here, a step stool left in the middle of a pitch black kitchen there. These were all chalked up to simple juvenile forgetfulness. But now, I have finally become privy to their clever little plan...


Sleep Deprivation-They've been working on this one for years! Colic, fevers, nightmares, I hold none of those against them. I expected all of those things, when I chose to have children.

Startling me awake at 4 A.M., by "accidentally" blaring cartoons at deafening decibels, pulling open my eyelids and repeating "Mom.Mom.Mom!", dressing in Army garb and wrapping a bandana around his face (thanks,Tallon!), while telling me in a monotone, gruff voice, "This isn't a joke Mam. Come with me, if you want to live.", or screaming "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!", thus sending me through the house, in the dark, at neck breaking speeds (Tallon again, awake before dawn, playing with his new fire truck), these things have surely deducted some days from my life.

Starvation- I'm sure many of you can relate to this one. How many times have you prepared a wonderful dinner and, being a good mother, served everyone before yourself? Always. Many times, by the time I get the food served to Hubs and all the kids, just as I am about to get my plate, they have already inhaled their food and are back for seconds. At which point, I divide my share of the main course between them. Of course they object, but I insist, declaring that I wasn't hungry anyway, and make a meal of a dinner roll or a biscuit, telling myself that I will find something else to eat, later that night, after they are all asleep.

  Of course, knowing that the smell of cooking food will wake the masses and have them descending upon the kitchen like a plague of locusts, "Later that night" finds me standing in the glow of the refrigerator, finishing up half eating yogurts, hard cheese, or questionable leftovers.YUM! Thus, poor nutrition and possible food poisoning, steal a few more precious days.

 Exposure-Who can say "no" to a sweet little face, in the middle of the night, asking to sleep in your bed? Not me. I fall for it every single time. Ross gets into my bed, snuggles under the cover just long enough for me to doze back off and then does one of two things. She either grabs the edge of the blanket and rolls up in it like a cocoon, or she decides she is too hot and kicks repeatedly, shoving the entire blanket to the foot of the bed, leaving me shivering, stuffing my arms inside the pillow case or whatever, until I wake enough to recover the blanket and doze back off. Then the process begins again.

Add to this the older girls "borrowing" all my clothes without holes, having to dash outside in rain, wind, or snow, to recover a forgotten toy, a missing shoe from the car, or an interesting leaf (or rock, or acorn, or...)that Ross has spied through the kitchen window, and a few more days are vaporized.


Near Death Experiences- Now that some of the kids have reached adulthood and another has just began driving, NDEs occur far more often...

After reading about the guy that drove in front of a train, because he was blindly following the orders of his GPS, I constantly warn my older girls to use their eyes and good sense and not just the navigator. The usual response is an eye roll and  "Mama, I am not an idiot!"

 On a recent trip to Myrtle Beach, my eldest daughter drove. We were to pick up Cina from her dad's new apartment and she and Renni had exchanged details of the address, the night before the trip. Neither I nor Selly own a cellphone and not wanting to leave Hubs without his for a few days, we figured we'd be fine without one, until the time that we picked up Cina, who was bring her phone. WRONG!

 For some, still unknown, reason, Cina only gave Renni the street number of the apartment complex, not the actual building or apartment number. Renni, for some, still unknown, reason, accepted this and asked no questions. The street address led to an empty office building. Thus, we spent two whole hours driving in circles, in the city, looking for this place. No place would let us borrow a damned phone, so we could call Cina. Pay phones must not exist anymore, as we saw one nowhere.

 Finally, a nice receptionist at a medical center let us use the phone. We found her and were on our way. But, by this time, the kids were whining and annoyed. Heck, we were all whining and annoyed. I begged Renni to just take me home. I have extreme anxiety when I travel anyway and this was nearly my breaking point. She refused. We went for lunch, gathered our wits, and got back on the road.

 About an hour away from the beach, the GPS directs Renni to make a right onto a little side street, then tells her to continue for the next 40 miles. She hears this and is hammer down, not even noting the TWO GIANT STOP SIGNS on either side, at the end of the little street. The GPS had left out the "merge left onto the next street" part. Had it not been for screaming "STOP! STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!" plus several expletives, we would have been t-boned by a huge delivery truck. I know I lost a few years on that one.

  There's the time that Selly, who always assures me that she understands the rules, yet decides to do as she pleases, once I am out of sight, decided to try and strip the plastic from some old wire, using a sharp kitchen knife. She slashed her thumb. Instead of screaming like a normal kid, she asked me to come into the kitchen, in a sweet, calm voice. I turn the corner to see a pale kid standing there with a HUGE puddle of blood at her feet. The whole room started spinning and I would have fainted, but I knew I had to tend to her cut and stop the bleeding. The cut turned out to be minor, but the initial scare surely deducted a few more years.

  I could go on for days, but I'll stop here. I have to use my time wisely. : P

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