*MY HAREM!* Look At All These Beautiful Faces! Follow Me! And Try To Keep Up, For Pete's Sake!!


I Guess It's Official, We Have Our Very Own "Kept Man"

It's true, folks. One would naturally assume that, since I am chief cook, bottle washer, and the proud owner of my very own vagina, which I control any and all recreational access to, that I would be the one elected by Hubs to live a carefree life of leisure, at his expense, (Not to mention the gift I have for typing extremely long sentences... [snort!] ) Alas, this is not the case. I have been bumped off my rightful seat atop the pedestal, by a man!

  My memory fails me, but I think it was well over a year ago, maybe even two years, when the family friend I'll call "Slick" ( Fitting because he is both sneaky and bald. [double snort! ] ), came to us, asking to move into the tenant house, as his much older girlfriend was giving him the boot and he had nowhere to go. It seems she needed him out of the way, so she could move her daughter and grandchildren in. Hubs asked what we should do and I reminded him that Slick had done this a few years ago...

  He had moved in and never paid any rent, never paid for the electricity, plus wrote us a bad check for the propane gas that we had delivered  to his tank,on our account. Then, when we finally had to crack down and demand that he pay us something, anything, he up and moved in with a woman, the very woman that was putting him out on his ear then, and left us holding the financial bag. But here he was again, on bended knee, holding his hat over his heart, begging for somewhere to go. Hubs swore that he would collect all the old debt from him and make certain that he paid the electric bill and $100.00 a month for rent. Reasoning that we really needed someone in that house, keeping away vandals and rodents, I gave my blessing.

  Now, Slick does have his good points. He is like family. Hubs has known him since he was a teenager and happened by to ask him about his hunting dogs. I inherited him when I married Hubs. He loves animals. He is a neat freak. He loves growing things. He has an awesome knack for interior decorating. Plus, he and I had very similar hellish upbringings, which means he completely understands some of my issues, the ones that Hubs, who had a Beaver Cleaver childhood, can never wrap his brain around.

  He also has his bad points. Due to his love of animals, he has eight or more dogs. All very well cared for, but still... He raises show chickens and travels around, entering them in chicken beauty pageants. Thus, he has erected chicken houses in every free corner of the lot. Plus, he also has geese and turkeys that try to flog the girls, on their way to and from the bus stop. The real bad thing about this is that he is pouring loads of money into his animals, while we pick up his slack. He will also just help himself to whatever he wants from our home and out buildings. He doesn't ask and when we finally approach him to ask for an item back, he claims that it is his, but that he we let us borrow it. What are we to do? Even though we know the item is ours, it's not like we have everything marked, so we really have no proof that it is ours. Plus, his girlfriend, who now plays shack up with him on the weekends, gives me the stick eye, whenever I drive past, on my way to check the garden. I don't blame her though, if I looked like her, I'd give me the stick eye too!

   But the real zinger is that this man has a full time job and is not giving us one red cent for his upkeep. Every month, we pay the electric bill at his home, mostly because we need to keep power on there and can't let it be shut off. So, he knows that, whether he pays or not, he won't be without electricity. He has never paid the rent that he agreed to, not even once. He could help do things around the farm and save us having to pay another person to help, but he vanishes on his days off, going fishing or to wine tastings, or anything else he can invent to avoid working. This guy is getting a free ride. What really pisses me off is that Hubs is seemingly OK with it. 

   When we were planting crops, back in the Spring, Slick helped one day. I thought he was making an effort to work off some of what he owes us. But, at the end of the day, when everyone else lined up to get their pay, he was right there in line with them. That took some nerve. Believe it or not, Hubs actually wrote him a check! I could have slapped the taste from his mouth! Why would he pay a guy that owes us a load of money? One might say he is softhearted and just can't bring himself to confront a person over money, but one would be wrong.

    Hubs chews my ass over money all the time. Especially over the electricity! He yells at me for running the air conditioner, or for using the clothes dryer, saying that we can't afford it. But, it doesn't end there. Sometimes I make the sad mistake of letting Hubs shop. If the kids ask for Fruity Pebbles, he brings home Deadrock RainBow Gravel Bites. We get Wyler's  or Great Value instead of Kool-Aid, Luncheon Meat instead of Spam,  if something is even a penny cheaper, he brings it home to us. If we complain, we are told that we better learn to like it, because it is cheaper. Don't get me wrong. some generics are OK, but some are disgusting and do not compare to their name brand competition. I swear, if he could find a source for generic air, he'd be piping that stuff into the house for us to breathe! Whenever I have mentioned taking the kids to get a portrait taken, I have been reminded that I own a camera and that it's just silly to pay someone else to take their picture. Money is a constant battle between us. Reasoning that, if we can manage to support a grown ass man, the kids should be able to eat real Fruty Pebbles, I eventually stopped clearing things by him and bought them anyway. I usually get a cussing but, so what?

   So last night, Hubs mentioned that Slick would be helping him today, as he has the day off. I commented that this was a good thing, as we could apply his days work to his debt. Hubs gave me a guilty look and turned away. I felt that familiar flame rise up the back of my neck...

"Please tell me that you didn't agree to pay him tomorrow."
"Don't even start with me"
"Oh my God! You did!"
"That would be my business. You just need to shut the hell up."
[Whipping out the Big Eye Head Bob, Perfected from years of watching Maury and Jerry Springer] "Excuse me? None of my business? It sure seems to be my business, when you're ripping me a new one, over $300.00 electric bills!"
"You just need to shut up and let me handle it"
"You've been handling it all along. When you're giving a 45 year old man a free ride, while your wife has a neck full of tumors that she can't even afford to have biopsied, I think that means you either don't care or, you are doing a piss poor job of handling things. I'm using generic tampons, while this guy can afford to go to cheese and wine tastings!"
"F*ck you!"
"No, f*ck you!"

   This just in...
  Hubs just called from his cell, not to check on his wife, who is very sick today but to see if anyone had called here for him. He and Slick are on their way to Walmart. How sweet. Can anyone else understand why I have such a problem with this?



  1. Oh man! Slick sounds like a dream tenant...except for the whole not paying the rent thing. Darn it! : )

    Loved this post. I feel like I really know you now.

    I hope you feel better soon!

  2. Would you like some help slapping this guy? Den and I would be flat out fighting at this point. Oh wait we are flat out fight almost all the time now. Anna is in college and we are doing the money fights all the time. The good news is I get to die one day and it will all be over!

  3. L w/ K, those are my thought exactly. A really great guy, except for that mooching thing. LOL
    Thanks for the well wishes! I am feeling heaps better today.

  4. LOL S.A.! I sure would! I have basically resigned myself to the whole fighting thing.


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